Monday, March 14, 2011

Reader Improvement Notes

First and foremost, I hope we are clear on the Disclaimer. That is my protection from what has become an overly litigious society—a money hungry pack of wolves in constant pursuit of a free lunch or undeserved windfall. With that said, if anyone would like to approach me with a buyout offer for this site, I'm listening.  If bought out, I'll remain on board as head writer, but you will have control of the creative direction, effectively making me your pawn. You will also have to rewrite the Disclaimer, considering some of its major tenets will be undermined. Until this comes up, I'll proceed with the site, making pages as I deem fit. Now lets talk hair.

I'm basically six weeks overdue on getting a haircut, but rather than biting that painfully awkward bullet of forced conversation, I'll simply justify the overgrown look, right here in this vacant, condemned lot that I call my website. Here's my angle: It's NFL Draft season. What mane name immediately comes to mind? That's right, Mel Kiper Jr. If I can stay the course, come draft day I'll be a novelty, and may even get invited to a Draft Day event. That's the type of grandiose thinking that will keep me out of that beauty salon. 


Without further adieu... The Most Appropriate Hair Style by Hair Color and Race
(Males only, if requested I'll do a female list, but something tells me it's not gonna happen.)

 **Note: For brevity's sake, and for the sake of getting this awkward post out of the way, I will be leaving some stones unturned. I understand there are certain environs that call for certain hair styles (business settings, hair bands, goths, etc.), but this will be a generic version.**

This time I'm serious, without further adieu... The Most Approriate Hair Style by Hair Color and Race

Brown/Black Hair, Caucasian 
If you fall into this category, listen closely: Stop playing games with your hair. It's over, take this as your cease and desist.  I don't want to see any spiked bangs, I don't want to see the perfectly cut and combed-straight-forward bangs, basically I don't want to see any bangs at all. I want to see that hairline. Do you have a widow's peak like Mr. Kiper? Ok great, let's see it. I also don't want to see the bed-head look. Snap out of it. Here's what i DO want to see: That classic side part, from left to right (from your perspective (sadly, the opposite is trending)) is what I'm looking for, a timeless classic. You have to respect the classics, keep it simple, throw some product in there if you have to (we'll cover gels, combs, brushes, shampoos and conditioners in depth in a later entry). 
Nice hair bro!

Blonde Hair

I thought about suggesting an Ivan Drago type buzzcut, or a Zack Morris mid-length wavy blend, but there is really only one way to go—LONG. Grow it out, think Pat Tillman, Bret Michaels, or more famously, Fabio. These visionaries are (or were, in Tillman's case, RIP) certainly in the minority, but there's a reason they're famous. Take away the luxurious strands from any of these guys and see what you're left with; Tillman is still an American hero, but the other two are rendered useless. 
Keep up the good work.

Red Hair
SHAVE YOUR HEAD. The important thing here is the daily upkeep which consists of a twice daily lather and shave. A little product to the eyebrows, a little bronzer, and you'll have us all fooled. Nobody wants to see a Mad Magazine cover boy look-a-like, or a Carrot Top, it just makes things awkward. 


What color hair do I have...?

Asian

Everything I suggested for the Brown/Black Hair faction, do the exact opposite. I want to see spikes, bed head, waves, twists, turns—I'm looking for innovation. You'll need some length, you'll need various gels and sprays, and most importantly, you'll need an imagination. If you find yourself in this category, have some fun, wow us. 

Dare to Dream Big

African American

If you find yourself in this category, I'm sure you've struggled with which direction to take. Do you go with the close shave, the total shave, the high top fade, the Afro, the short dreds, the long dreds, the cornrows? Do you "snatch these braids out and put that $*** in a perm"- Snoop Dog? While I was decisive with my previous selections, I will leave this one open. The correct answer is all of the above. You have so many options, who am I to limit you to one? 

Thinkin Perm?

So there it is, read carefully, reassess, see if you're in accordance with my standards and make the necessary adjustments. I'm looking for a very specific look from my readers, we'll discuss reader workout plans and diets in later posts. Remember to look out for my hair product review article. 

Avatar_Jack- Out

3 comments:

  1. Great work, Avatar_Jack. I look forward to improving myself in accordance with your site.

    Perhaps you can provide some advice regarding my hair, as it doesn't fit neatly into one of your categories. I am a Caucasian male with blonde hair, but my hair is curly. I fear if I let things go too long - say, the length of Fabio - I will be rewarded with a ghastly Art Garfunkel 'do. I've seen lots of people going with a shorter cropped version of the Garfunkel - I call it "The Zuck" after facebook creator Mark Zuckerberg - with great success. What say ye?

    I like the layout - a vibrant color scheme works to unite two of life's greatest pleasures: Cam'Ron and red onions.

    One critique. While he may have showcased some blonde streaks, I believe on the whole, Tillman's hair was brown. RIP Pat.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Gr8 job. This was a LOL piece(no homo).

    For PC reasons, you may want to switch "oriental" to Asian. Especially to be consistent with your choice of African-American over Negro or N199er.

    Next, you should tackle pubic hair for women. You'll be exposed, or worse, proved to be a DF, if you choose to delve into women's hairstyling.

    NICE JOB.

    ReplyDelete
  3. RPK: Curly Hair should have been covered. I think it should be showcased, similar to the orientals, but more congruous. The curly haired group gets into trouble when they apply product. Also, you're right about Tillman, but I think you might want to refer to my Disclaimer before critiquing.

    Abb610de-4e74: Whoever this is, how bout a more traditional name to identify yourself? Or would you like to remain anonymous and continue your hateful rhetoric?

    ReplyDelete