Thursday, April 7, 2011

Government Shutdown: Who Will Seize Power

As the clock winds down on the most recent Government budgetary extension, we the people are left in a cloud of uncertainty. Sure, most of the White House windows will be boarded up, the Presidential fleet will be leased out to rap moguls, and President Obama will finally be able to cash in at an ultra-exclusive, white-shoe Wall Street firm--that's all obvious--but what about the rest of us? Who will govern while the Republicans and Democrats continue their display of world-class negotiating wizardry?

The old saying of When the cat's away, the mice will play could very well apply to this situation-- and boy are there some ruthless rodents out there just waiting to seize control of this once proud nation.

Take this as your warning-- a prognostication of sorts, not to create fear, but rather, to ensure domestic preparedness.

Ranked from least to most likely: Which oppressed group will assume control of the United States in the event of a Government shutdown?

3.) Hispanics

Our most recent census told us there are now 50 million Hispanics currently residing within the borders of these grand United States. Many have fled the war-torn nation of Mexico, and all are in pursuit of the American Dream-- the white picket fence, the 2.5 children, the dog named Bear (is it just me or does everyone either have a dog named Bear, or know someone who has a dog named Bear?). 

For many, this vision is consistently interrupted by the Grand Old Party, who apparently have the same effect as that dreaded "I'm falling out of the sky" dream-disturber. The relative short period of highly focused oppression could very well galvanize this demographic, and what better time to pounce than now-- there's blood in the water. It may only be a matter of time until Carlos Mencia is running point at 1600 Pennsylvania.

2.)Tea Party/Unemployed

First of all, I realize the title may be a little redundant, as it's safe to say the vast majority of the Tea Party is also unemployed; most of the public foolery and delusional ranting is taking place during traditional business hours. If I could attempt to correctly use "irony" in a sentence- it will be ironic if the Tea Party becomes the controlling institution, given their disdain for institutions in general (I think that works, if not let me have it in the comments section).

Their ability to efficiently organize will prove itself useful as they attempt to gain control of the world's second most powerful country (enjoy the show, China). Given their bigoted nature, a battle could very well ensue with the Hispanics as they make the mad dash towards executive power. In the end, both groups will weaken each other, allowing for a smooth takeover by our next group.

1.) Native Americans

The indigenous people of North America will load up on war paint, sharpen their arrows and go in for the complete role reversal once the US Government comes to a screeching halt. Their sacred soils were seized many moons ago, and while the casino's were certainly a nice consolation prize, it simply wasn't enough. I envision the Chief du jour offering Obama a bingo hall or two to run as a parting gift-- maybe even a stake in a Pueblo pottery 50/50 raffle.

In the end, maybe a change wont be so bad. Maybe a different style of governance is just what this country needs. I personally don't believe war is the answer-- Who wants to run the United States Government? would make for some compelling reality TV. 


  1. Your first time correctly using "ironic." Gr8 job :)

  2. Funeral Z has risen from the dead everybody!! Welcome back.