Friday, April 1, 2011

Operation Farewell April Fool

Fool not lest ye be fooled. 

I stand before you today as a broker of peace; a hat I'm never afraid to wear, although ideally it would remain on the rack, freshly starched with all stickers intact, brim perfectly flat.  I'd glance at the cap every now and again and wonder, "When's the next outbreak of animus, of senseless harm and carefully crafted absurdity?; when will I again hurl myself into the role of purveyor of peace?" I'd knock on wood of course, so as not to shift the currents.

Tap Tap Tap...Ahh, peace of mind
Is there anything more absurd than pursuing a wooden surface to slam your hand into after saying something that "tempts fate?" We've got important stuff to cover today so I hate to get sidetracked by hat and wood chatter, but the whole knock on wood thing has to go. Some of my international readers—UK, Egypt, India and Australia—refer to this maddening practice as "touching wood." They choose a more wood friendly approach, which is to be admired. I suggest the next time you feel the urge to touch or knock on a piece of wood, place your hand comfortably on the unfinished surface (sand down if necessary) and quickly accelerate your paw against the grain. This will result in a splinter or two, so have some disinfectant and gauze handy. This will also result in this foolish ritual eventually going the way of the Dodo.
Caw!!Caw!! Any sign of Knut?

Extinction, detailed plans leading to a handful of splinters, what's going on here? This post was intended to insure safety, but just the opposite has developed. Is that irony? Could be, though I'd hate to join the long scroll of names that consistently butcher the meaning of that literary device, so I'll just pose it as a question.

On a day where every hack prankster in the world dusts off the old "funny prank muscle" and embarks on a journey of of hoodwinking, I implore you to choose the road less traveled, my dear impressionable readers. Please allow me to mold you into men and women of honesty, of integrity, of justice. Consider this the creation of a neighborhood watch program of sorts. I'll be the CEO, my one reader in Hungary can be Executive VP, and that guy in Brazil who accidentally stumbled upon the site yesterday can be my administrative assistant (where's my coffee!!!!).

Just a tad more...that's all for now, thanks.

The mission is simple, so I'll keep the directive simple. Go outside (or stay indoors if you're not properly equipped), keep your head on a swivel (figuratively of course (or would that be literally given the range of the neck?)), target April's fooling fools, and strike up a conversation—choose diplomacy. You see the man letting the air out of his pal's tires? Say a little something like this: "Hello, care to explain what exactly you are doing here? Did you know this man has to be at work within the hour? Oh no? Well then what is this chat transcript I have here? And I quote, "Rodger, you're going to work soon, that's great buddy, have a nice day?" Do right by Rodger and fill those Michelins back up, please."

That's just one example, an example that will likely become a reality for one reader out there, given my worldwide following. For the rest of you simply maintain the major tenets of awareness, integrity, and honesty while correcting early April's most foolish behavior and good things should come... knock on wood.

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