Tuesday, March 29, 2011

State of the Site Address

The currents constantly change in the rough waters of avatarjack.com. Weary readers are jumping overboard at alarming rates. This is my first State of the Site Address and arguably the most important entry I will ever make. Read carefully, one word after the other, keeping in mind each previous word so as to pick up on a message.

I can explain everything.

Just kidding. We're a few posts away from a State of the Site Address, and things aren't quite that bleak—yet. Let's all hope such grim language will not be necessary when the State of the Site is actually addressed.  Be sure to keep in mind the reading tip mentioned above—that part still applies. 

I had originally planned on some pointed commentary on the Dez Bryant (he's a football player for my one female reader) mall incident. I would have exposed flaws in the system. I would have gone after various institutions. I would have toed the line of appropriate racial analysis. I would have left the reader in a general state of discomfort. Shock and spook the reader is what I would have done; enlighten and inspire is what I actually will do. 

I know this blog alone won't keep my readers happy, and you know what they say- Happy Readers, Happy... ok maybe there isn't an applicable saying, but if you the reader are living in a general state of discontent, odds are you'll harbor cynical views towards this site. This is a baseless claim, it may hold water, but still baseless, so keep in mind what the Disclaimer says about the promotional/entertainment aspect of this site. 

Without further Adieu... The Worldwide Happy April Primer

April Fools Day

It's safe to say we all like to be a little silly every once in a while. Even my most repressed readers hailing from the rising power that is the People's Republic of China like to let their hair down every now and again (remember to keep it spiky) as evidenced by their Bill Gates assassination claims in 2003. I'd typically expect a bit more class from an emerging superpower, but why expect tact from a regime that engineers the weather?

This isn't about China's disregard for the environment or human rights. This isn't even about China's curious move to stay out of the situation in Libya, considering they are Libya's biggest oil recipient.  Keep doing your thing, China. I actually look forward to Chairman Hu's global takeover. 

What better way to jumpstart a Happy April than pulling off a general act of foolishness? Sure, you'll think it's a lot more clever and unique than it actually is, but go for it. I promise to laugh when you kidnap me and force me into a snuff film.

Good stuff guys

Go Outside

April is known for its rain showers so you'll likely need an umbrella, unless of course your country waged a war on its rainclouds, in that case just go right outside. If you live in a country with poor air quality make sure to throw on a respirator or gas mask. If you live in Canada, northern United States, Hungary, Germany, the UK, Ireland or the United Arab Emirates you might want to throw on a fleece jacket or equivalent—be sure to keep your selection consistent with cultural norms.  Once you're properly equipped, take that first step out the door and don't look back. Shake hands with neighbors, kiss babies, pet indigenous creatures—have some fun out there. If you've followed these directions, at this point you are walking around and possibly even burning calories, which might be a good thing for my US and UAE readers, who just so happen to boast the two highest diabetes rates in the world. Once you're done spreading neighborly cheer and staving off embarrassing diseases, head back to your computer lab and check for site updates. I could use the hits.

Hmm, I wonder if I should go check for updates...

Write a Letter to an Elected Official (or just any official if your country doesn't have democratic elections)

Do you have a pothole on your street that needs filling? Are you you sick of making 10 cents a day working on government-owned farmland? Would you like to be able to express yourself freely, without risk of public flogging and torture? Would you like to have a second child, but can't due to your country's one-child policy? Well then craft a letter. I'll even give you an example. 

 Dear Chairman Hu, 

I'm contacting you regarding your one-child policy. Is there any wiggle room on this? I have a young boy named Zhang who would be tickled pink by the prospects of gaining a sibling. To obtain this special waiver, I  am willing to sign over the rights of Zhang to the People's Republic of China, effective on his 14th birthday. Once this day comes, you'll have free reign to cripple, maim and disable Zhang as you please, through a lifetime of labor and lab testing.  In the end, you'll do whatever's best for the republic, and that's all I can ask. 

Troubled Loyalist, 
Li Yang

Forgive me Zhang... and good luck
These suggestions could make for a Happy April, but they could also create some unnecessary anxiety. Most of you will chalk this up as yet another failed blog attempt; another heave of desperation that fell well short of its desired goal. I'll agree with you, most likely, but i'll remind you: It's not the destination that matters, it's the journey.


  1. Great work, Avatar_Jack. While Zhang Yang's (LOL!) post-adolescent life will no doubt be challenging, it's certain his younger years will be enriched by a sibling.

    As always, great picture selections - even without clipart. You hear that, @DennisCox?

  2. I had a very candid convo with @denniscox. He knows to keep his distance. He also knows that his clipart is now mine, so stay tuned for more of his artwork.

    The younger years for Zhang's future brother would be greatly enriched, and the pain of losing his brother to a chinese labor camp would only strengthen his will.

  3. Keep it up, Avatar_Jack. I took your advice a few posts ago to "saddle up & grow to love the bucking bronco that will become Avatar_Jack2.0." I'm glad I did. You're new posts have me laughing out loud in the quiet section of the library!

    Furthermore, your most recent post has inspired me to grab my fleece, and leave this damn library! I want to pet indigenous creatures while warding off embarrassing diseases. When I get back, I'll surely check for updates!

  4. I'm so used to stomping out brushfires i'm not sure how to respond to what seems to be a favorable review.

    @DennisCox and FuneralZ have already walked the plank, as i'm sure many more will.

    Expect more Friday, maybe thursday.

    Be sure to read each entry as it's your last. I could pull out the rug at any moment.

    I walk now, i'm tupac.

    Hang around longer maybe i get exposed as a fraud, Mc Hammer.